My name is Lilith
There’s been some things that have happened that I want to talk about. I guess I want to treat this more as a diary, than a collection of pretty texts, so I am going to let out my feelings in this one.
There is a new name I’m trying out, it’s Lilith. There’ve been others that came before it, but this is the first one I feel a genuine connection to. Not because I am a servant of the devil or something like that, I just think it’s really, really pretty. I have been wearing this name since the 16th of March, which is a little more than 2 months by now.
When I hear it, a little tingling goes through me, a feeling that tells me that what I’m doing is very, very right; I feel plainly happy, without any strings attached when I am called this name. Sometimes, however, there is a chill lurking beneath, as I think more deeply about the situation I find myself in. I like the name, I like being called it, but I worry about whether I deserve to feel this kind of happiness; whether it is genuine, or if I am just pretending to be happy. “What are the odds,” I catch myself thinking. “What if I am just imagining all of this?”
I am rather nervous when it comes to other people knowing it. Will they think it’s bullshit? Will they try to put off my feelings as a phase, simply as a way for them to refuse to support me? Will they think about me the same way I think about myself these moments? What is going to happen?
Some people already know about it, and they’re fine with it, but I know that not everyone will react that way. Will I have to keep living in secrecy lest I be put through hell? I know I should primarily think about what makes /me/ happy, but the thoughts permeate my mind nevertheless.
I don’t know how this will end out, but, for the time being, I am Lilith, and that makes me happy. I think.